Sometimes all it takes is a drunken, heart-felt conversation with some of your best girlfriends to make everything a little less confusing.
The truth is, I know what I want in a man. This is both a blessing and a curse because it allows me to avoid a lot of heartbreak, but at the same time it often leaves me feeling lonely. When it comes to my list of mental, emotional, and spiritual requirements, Johnny fits the bill. He’s one of the very, very few, which is why I continue to cling to him. But he isn’t mine. Not now at least. And even though he’s one of the only men I’ve met with the emotional maturity, spiritual strength, and loving personality that I require, he’s not the only one in existence. It’s time that I embrace that fact and move on.
Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you and Marrete. Don’t forget about me if things don’t work out. Sometimes it lasts, and sometimes it hurts, but in the end, it always works out exactly the way it is meant to be.
Can I please just tell you that today was the best day ever?
It just all fell together so perfectly. I hadn’t been invited to any Memorial Day festivities so at noon I decided to host my own cookout and hope for the best. Sure enough, a huge crowd of people showed up and it was an absolute blast! I had such an amazing time and I was so happy because I have been praying for more friendship in my life for awhile now. And there they all were, some of them I hadn’t seen in awhile and a few of them I really got to connect with for the first time. I’m just so grateful that words can’t even describe it. People make me so happy. I am blessed beyond compare.
I asked my angels for direction and pressed 'shuffle'
Matt Wertz: “Over You”
I dont wanna get over you
Tried it a thousand times
It dont matter what i do
I guess i dont want to get over you
I cant get you off my mind
Thought it was time you knew
Mumford and Sons: “The Cave”
I will not hear what you have to say
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be
And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again
Counting Crows: “Colorblind”
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter-shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Do I keep clinging to the hope that some day you will realize that she isn’t right for you and realize that you are right for me instead? Or do I convince myself that it will never happen and that you’re prefectly happy with her and that it will never be me. Ever.
But it’s always been you, dammit.
And I have yet to meet anyone else who comes remotely close.
When things are brilliant and lovely and new, it’s the easiest thing in the world to stay in the present moment. But when life is ho-hum and normal, it’s a million times easier to lose focus and distract myself by letting my mind drift to the “shoulds” and “coulds” and all the other nonsense that doesn’t do anyone any good.
In a few ways, it is comforting that I’m stuck here for the time being. That means that I’ve FINALLY conquered my habitual thoughts that typically infultrated these moments (calorie counting, body obsessions, etc.), which is truly something to celebrate. At the same time, my mind is all like, “What now?” Where do I go when everything is quiet?
I love the idea of meditation very much, but it feels so unproductive to me. Like I should be working on something epic instead of taking that time to rest my mind and my soul. Logically, I know how important meditation is and how beneficial it can be, but when it gets down to it, I have the mindset of every other American: if there’s no product as proof, I’m not buying it.
Maybe this is my next big obstacle (it’s always something, isn’t it?) Maybe it’s time for me to stop trying to hard to fill the empty spaces and just allow the openness to fill itself. Maybe if I get quiet enough, I’ll finally hear something for once.
I need you to understand just how fully, completely, and entirely I love you.
You are exquisite, yet so imperfectly human in the most perfect way. No one could live your life in precisely the same way you do. You are important, unparallel to all and entirely irreplacable. The entire universe would be lost without your existence and the story of the entire human race would be altered without your presence. Your life, your story, your mistakes and your victories are needed in ways that are incomprehensible. And I love you for that. I love you for every breath you breathe and every thought you think and every time you sit or stand or refuse to sit or take a stand. You are important, to me and to all of us.
It's kills me that we are all so blatently missing the point.
But it can’t be that difficult. It isn’t that difficult. Yet here we are, making the same mistakes generation after generation. The teachings of Christ have been lost, warping into politics and regulations and stained-glass dollar signs. We place our blame on everything in pointing distance. And it’s driving me completely nuts.
What I’m getting at is that it doesn’t need to be this way. We have reiki, yoga, meditation, prayer, the teachings of Christ, angels, and positive intentions all at our disposal. We have all the tools we need to make this world a world of love, with our without religion. We have hands that give and lips that smile and hearts that beat in precisely the same rhythm. We have this wonderful ability to make ourselves feel good every time we give selflessly. We were gifted with compassion and sympathy and ears that listen and tongues that dictate beautiful words of healing and support.
Yet here we are in absolute dissaray. And it doesn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t be this way. We have all the tools in the world to forge an existance of peace. Why can’t we let go of our egos, let go of our dogmas, let go of any desire for violence, and simply be free of all that tethers us to pain and fear in this world?
How to make an entire meal out of apples, beets, and carrots.
I know it’s been forever since I posted last, but I’d like to take a moment to post a few new recipes. I just bought a new juicer (which I LOVE) so i’ve been juicing the shit out of everything juice-able. The only problem with juicing is that there is always a ton of pulp left over, which I hate to throw away. So I’ve been playing around with it and whipped up a few concoctions that make me very happy. The following recipes equal one incredible meal, so I hope you enjoy!
Can’t Beet This Juice Recipe
3 large organic beets
1 lb organic carrots
3 lb organic apples (I used Gala)
I was able to get all of this at Nature’s Bin (my new favorite store in the world!) for about $7. You can’t beet (ba-dum) that! This recipe makes about 2 liters of juice. Juice the beets and carrots first, toss all the pulp in a bowl to keep in seperate, and then juice the apples. Slosh all the juice together in a container and store in the fridge. I added a sqeeze of lemon because it works as a preservative, but it’s probably not necessary. Every recipe I’ve ever seen says that you’re supposed to drink juice as soon as you make it, but I’ve found that it lasts in my fridge for at least 3 days. It would probably last even longer but it’s always gone by then.
Un-Beetable Vegan Veggie Cracker Recipe (I’m on a roll!)
1 tbs flax seed
3 tbs warm water
1 cup of carrot/ beet pulp
1 cup almond flour
1 tbs olive oil
2 tsp adobo seasoning
OR 1 tsp salt + 1 tsp garlic powder
any other spices of choice (I like basil + oregano)
1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
2. Allow the flax to soak in water in large mixing bowl for 5 minutes.
3. Add everything else and mix with your hands.
4. Slap mound of dough onto baking stone or greased cookie sheet.
5. Flatten out with your hands to about 1/8 in thick.
6. Using a pizza-cutter, slice into desired shapes. Use a knife to wiggle the squares away from each other so there is space between each cracker.
7. Sprinkle with extra salt if you’d like, then bake for 20-22 minutes until crispy.
I’m absolutely positive you can use any veggie pulp for this recipe. I’m excited to try spinach and kale when I make green juice next week! If you’re going for a raw recipe, you could probably dehydrate the crackers too, which I’m going to try next week.
Yummus Hummus (I’m all punned out)
1 cup lentils
2 cup water
3 tbs tahini
5 tbs olive oil
1 or 2 clove garlic
1/2 lemon (juice only)
1/2 cup carrot beet pulp
salt and pepper to taste
1. Bring water to a boil. Add lentils and cook for 15 minutes until soft.
2. Meanwhile, blend tahini, olive oil, garlic, and lemon juice in a blender. You might want to add a splash of water if paste is super thick.
3. Drain lentils, rinse with cold water, and add to blender. Blend until smooth.
4. Fold in pulp, salt, and pepper.
Finally, dip your veggie crackers into your veggie hummus while drinking your veggie juice. DElicious! As for the apple pulp, I haven’t done anything with it that I really like yet, but once I figure something out, I’ll be sure to post about it!
We arrived at the amusement park in Washington DC. The sky was bright, the air was clean, and the top of the ferris wheel sparkled in the sun. We boarded the school bus on the edge of the lake and immediately launched into the sky, higher and higher, until we lost our sense of direction; until gravity lost its grip. The earth was far below, a swirled canvas of grays and greens, blues and whites. It was beautiful, all of it. We leveled for a moment, before diving, headfirst, straight to the ground.
We fell for minutes, hours, as the earth spun closer and closer. And at first, I was completely terrified as any sane person would be, but I quickly noticed how far we were from impact and chose to embrace the thrill. It was incredlible. We fell for days, yet managed to land safely, completely unscathed.
And since the night I fell from space, things have been a little bit different. I’m not pushing him away, like I would have in the past. And I’m not searching for imperfections or clinging for control. I continue to do my thing, embracing each text, each conversation, for what it is; no more and no less. And it’s lovely.
And I put in my two weeks notice at the donut shop.
And a really cute boy gave me his number.
And I am getting better at salsa.
And I nailed a perfect headstand.
And I made a delicious dinner.
And I learned a new song on guitar.
And I am beginning to think
That maybe really sad girl from a few weeks ago
Just might be melting away with the snow…
I remember when I was 17 I was standing in your kitchen
and we had just spent the night outside under the stars in that little tent in your backyard next the khoi pond crank calling everyone we knew and laughing about god knows what until the sun came up and I was drunk off life and friendship and lack of sleep and the overall ecstacy of the moment and I remember thinking, as I stood in your kitchen surrounded by all of the people that meant everything in the world to me, that this was the best moment of my life.
Today will be a creative day. I will write, crochet, and play my guitar. I might even pick up my sketchbook for the first time in ages. As a little added motivation, I will post everything I accomplish today on here. Can’t wait to show you!
A few months ago, I realized how much I love my body. I am strong, flexible, and pretty darn fit. I have awesome curves and I’m finally learning to embrace them. Except for one little thing. Well, two things, actually, and they’re both quite big.
There is a curse that runs in my family. We call it The Lapka Curse and every woman has it: really freaking huge thighs… at least in proportion to the rest of our bodies. Combine that with 7 seven years in the squat position playing volleyball, and you’ve got yourself a pair of grade- A Thunder Thighs. And I have to be honest, they’re really starting to get on my nerves.
One problem is that I’ve always had an issue finding pants. They’re always super tight in the thighs and gigantic in the waist, which is why I haven’t bought a new pair of jeans in about 5 years. When I was young and naive and still attempted to put in the effort, I would wind up in tears in the dressing room nearly every single time. However, it’s an issue I’ve been able to get over simply by avoidance. But I’m beginning to have other problems.
There are several poses in yoga that I can’t do simply because their massive bulk gets in the way. I can’t do eagle pose properly , for example, because my thighs can’t cross over each other. I can’t do lift ups or uplutiki because my lower body weighs so much more than my upper body, so it’s impossible to hold myself up. Lotus pose is also an issue for this reason.
On top of that, I started swimming and salsa dancing, which are both a lot of fun, but make me feel waayy self conscious. When I walk on the deck to get to the pool, I can feel my legs rubbing together uncomfortably. When I salsa, I see myself in the mirrors that surround the studio and all I can see is their largeness. A friend of mine asked if I wanted to be in his movie, but I can’t stand the idea of my thunderous quads being featured in any film.
It’s less about me being self conscious and more about me being held back, both physically and emotionally. I just feel like I have these heavy weights hanging on me, holding me back from doing the things I want to do. From physical stuff like yoga poses and silly stuff like buying that short skirt or going after the skinny kid, I’m really getting sick of it. But it’s so hard to know what to do about it.